The company’s CEO, Akio Toyoda was ecstatic. ” This is not just a great day for Toyota, but for the whole worldwide car industry.”

” It has been proven today, that not only does Toyota make the safest cars available, but it’s high standards have raised the bar for other manufacturer’s to achieve greatness.”

The 1 year independent investigation sanctioned by Toyota was conducted by German Car Engineer Hienz Fritzel.

” In reviewing all the evidence involved it became very apparent to our investigation team that the result was slanted and Toyota was being used as a scapegoat in this case” states Fritzel.

Fritzel not only uncovered more stuck gas pedal cases in Toyota, but found numerous incidents for all car manufacturers which were never reported.

” The initial investigators had tunnel vision and kept looking at the accelerator as the problem”, Fritzel is quoted as saying.

‘The actual culprit was staring them straight in the face.

Fritzels’ team unveiled the fact that 100% of the time, the driver was wearing a pair of used Reebok Pump Series Sneakers.

Test after test proved that when the sneaker was at a 47.5 degree angle the Air Pump would automatically engage building enough pressure to lock the foot in that position and cut off enough circulation so the driver actually believed he was removing his foot from the gas pedal, when in fact he had no use of the leg whatsoever.

“There was a serious defect in the Sneaker Air Pump which would cause it to engage at the proper angle and with significant resistance from the gas pedal.” says Fritzel.

” In normal everyday use, the sneaker would perform according to manufacturer’s specifications.”

When contacted by The Daily Spoof , Reebok stated that they will launch there own official investigation as they believe the pump is being triggered by a a faulty sock.

The over sized puffy hats seen below are in sharp contrast to the hats worn by the military during Kim Jong il’s reign also seen below and were developed by Toys R Us to make Jung un’s pumpkin  look smaller than it actually is by shifting a persons focus from his extruding forehead to the over sized hats therefore making his neck appendage look smaller.

Our sources say this old Hollywood trick used extensively in the Sylvester Stallone Rocky movies where midgets and little people were hired to make Stallone look bigger was a plan hatched by Kim Jung il himself after becoming an expert in Hollywood movie special effects.

In an 8-1 decison, the court ruled that Bombs defense of  ” He was asking for it ” was a legitimate excuse to kick the crap out of Tucson and the Ohio State Judge erred in his address to the jurors by stating ” That was plain crazy!”

Bombs had claimed that Tucson would laugh hysterically when he beat him at Tiger Woods 2012 on his X-box and would even post the feat as a status update on Facebook and Twitter.

“He was asking for it!” stated a belligerent Bombs.

The 1300 page decision legitimizes the “He Was Asking For It” defense in cases of extreme violence if the defense can prove actions on the part of the dead person constitute use of the defense.

He was asking for it follows previous Supreme Court rulings such as:

• Temporary Insanity.
• I was drunk.
• He looked at me the wrong way.
• What was I thinking?

“The Montreal Canadians have always respected the views of all Fans, whether they are real Canadians or French separatists associated with the FLQ.”

” As an English speaking coach of one of the top franchises in professional hockey with one of the best fan bases in any sport, I will embrace the french culture and I will prove that I am more than qualified to be the head coach of this storied franchise.”

Cunneyworth goes on to say, ” As of this morning I have traded my Cadillac Escalade for a Fiat, I will start to wear a toque, and I will be eating poutine with every meal.”

When asked by Montreal Gazette reporter Ghislaine Pompandreau “if he would be wearing a scarf around his neck in summer even if it’s really hot?”

Cunneyworth responded with ” Non, s’il vous plait. Ou est la bibliotechque?

“I was Luckier Then F**k and People Kept Buying My Shit“

In this scintillating 13 page biography Buffett reveals how he amassed his fortune at the Roulette tables in Vegas and then built on that fortune by convincing people he had done it by investing.

“I’ve never invested a dime in my life, but I knew if I could convince people that I had and they could do it too, people would be buying shit off me for a long time.

“By coining phrases such as peaks, valleys, time to sell and stay in for the long haul I was able to convince the average guy that I had a F*#%ng clue.

After all, I’m a billionaire, right? How would those assholes know if I even have 2 cents to rub together.”

“Invest in the poor and desperate” says Buffett.

They’ll be more then happy to keep buying your shit.

I was Luckier Then F**k and People Kept Buying My Shit will be on the bookshelves in leading retailers across America and will be selling for $79.95.

Research in Motion (R.I.M) stock rallied as RIM realeased what Tech Gurus have dubbed the iPhone Killer.

The HaillieBerry 362436 was released today to thousands of hungry Blackberry app developers and the phone instantly was praised as the hottest phone ever.

The plain looking , pretty well non functioning phone has had prelaunch orders of 425 million phones as single and married men alike, plus a lot of lesbians are connecting to the new slogan.

Who wants to get their hands on  HallieBerry?

Long time tech guru Lester Tweets summed it up by saying ,” You’ll want to get a screen protector for this one. In fact you might want to wrap it in saran wrap.” ” You guys know what I’m talking about, dont ya!!”

Apple and Android are %&$#$$, says long time phone enthusiast Timmy Keystone.

RIM stock closed at $50.25 from a low of $14.89

” Listen, we all know that is not very hygienic to expose Vancouver’s prostitutes to the diseases that can be transferred from a dirty penis. We definitely do not want to run the risk of prostitutes injecting themselves with a penis that may have already been used by another prostitute earlier in the day without proper cleaning methods in place.”

” By having taxpayer funded penis cleaning stations we can insure before use that each penis is cleaned to high medical standards and  can be used for whatever purpose while keeping the prostitute safe from any disease.

” Our goal here is simple”

“Myself and all Vancouverites want Vancouver to be a place where you can commit crimes and felonies and not have to worry about getting sick doing it”

The controversial call center which BSNL opened to serve it’s English speaking Indian customer base has been a momentous Public Relations failure since it opened in July of 2011.

CEO of BSNL Kashpur Singh stated there were significant cost savings associated with moving the Call Center from Kanpur to Toronto.

There was also a ready and able English speaking workforce already in place. To us it was a win win.

Not so according to rioter Amish Kupar.

Canada has been bery, bery good to friends of mine that lived in houses besides mine.

I see no problem people working in Canada in street buildings..None forever what!!

The problem to me is the people doing jobs cannot speak English right.

I am tired and sick up and fed all over the place.

I’m not trying to be a shit stirring guy here!!

Yesterday I call Canada cause computer picture screen fuzzy and not okay.

Picking up phone guy says, “Hi. My name is Paul. How may I help you today?”

“What you say, english speak for me please.” After 20 less 5 minutes go by I hanged up.

Anybody who knows English, knows to say..”Greetings..I am called Mr Paul and I am here to question any questions who have answers to regarding your questions.”

Learn English correctly..Thats all we ask ourselves to you to try and get.

Bharat Sanchar Nigam Limited has since stated in a strategic move to satisfy customer complaints it will relocate its call center to Drummondville, Quebec, Canada.

Seen to the right in his dreaded crane position which helped Daniel LaRusso win the  “All Valley Karate Tournament” by laying a whooping on fellow Karate Kid opponent Johnny Lawrence, The Daily Spoof has learned that Macchio, ignoring a long standing agreement with Mr Miyagi and the producers of the original Karate Kid never to use the power of the crane upon completion of the movie, has been using the crane to assist scrupulous regimes in quelling otherwise peaceful protests.

Editors note: The following image may be disturbing to small children and Dancing with the Stars or Happy Days Fans.

Viewer discretion is advised

Rare footage obtained by a CIA drone over Cairo Egypt shows explicit and violent proof that Macchio has indeed been selling his skills as a hired mercenary to military juntas in the Middle East.

A visibly upset and distraught Mr Miyagi has been quoted as saying:

“Mr Miyagi no doubt, that this photo be of Danielson. Not only  Danielson only American to perfect crane technique as seen in photo, but he also wearing sneakers I bought for Christmas last year.”

” Mr Miyagi, no like..”

Mr Macchio was out of the country and could not be reached for comment, but his wife was quoted as saying, ” At least he used the skills he learned as a child actor to try and make the world a better place. He didn’t become a crackhead like Danny Bonaduce or Todd Bridges. He made something of himself.”