In a shocking last minute news conference held at Apples headquarters in Cupertino, California, Apple CEO Tim Cook today released the final version of the much anticipated iPhone 5.

Much to the amazement of technical analysts worldwide, the newest iPhone member differs very little from the iPhone 4s except for the fact that it utilizes a 6.5 inch retina display.

“Go big or stay home” seemed to be the message portrayed by CEO Tim Cook as he unveiled Apples newest Smartphone contender.

” We’ve seen the popularity of the newer oversized Android phones and now since Jobs is gone, we can build the biggest *%#@%^* phone we want to”

Everybody knows bigger is better and our new slogan ” Size matters” has an overall appeal to the general public.

As an added bonus, the iPhone 5 will ship with 2 optional but very necessary accessories.

The iHand

A fully functioning electronic extension of a persons real appendage, the oversized  iHand is meant for people smaller in stature who find handling of the new iPhone 5 a little cumbersome.

The iHand not only makes holding the phone much more comfortable, but the fingers are tapered, making the virtual keyboard much more accessible.

The iPant

Be a trendsetter with the new iPant, a specially designed high quality made in China synthetic jean with over sized front pockets to accommodate your new iPhone 5.

While one side is reserved for the hottest new phone on the market, the other side can be used to store  bananas, pepperoni sticks and can accommodate a 9 inch round Pizza Hut all meat slab or a footlong Quizno’s sub.

Look your best in the hottest new iWear fashions.

He then apologized to the Afghan people for the misinterpretation of the apologies he issued regarding the apologies he had apologized for previously.

Well, wonder no more: a team of researchers from Hungary and Sweden have shed light on why zebra’s have stripes.

According to Dr. Hans Friddel, the answer is simple.

” Polka dots made the Zebra look fat”

Friddel and colleagues noticed immediately, when a white horse painted with black polka dots was inserted into the herd, the polka dotted zebra was immediately shunned by the striped zebras and   small clusters of striped zebras would whiny behind it’s back.

The polka dotted zebra would also spend most of the day looking into the watering hole, trying to pose in a figure which made it more appealing and was constantly pulling in its stomach to try and look thinner.

“In the animal kingdom, looks are very important to the selective breeding process,” says Friddel and the polka dotted zebras looked fatter then the streamlined looked created by the stripes.

In an added bonus to the research, Dr. Friddel also concluded that the zebra has a much shorter mane then its relatives due to the fact that a long mane made its face look fatter.

The company’s CEO, Akio Toyoda was ecstatic. ” This is not just a great day for Toyota, but for the whole worldwide car industry.”

” It has been proven today, that not only does Toyota make the safest cars available, but it’s high standards have raised the bar for other manufacturer’s to achieve greatness.”

The 1 year independent investigation sanctioned by Toyota was conducted by German Car Engineer Hienz Fritzel.

” In reviewing all the evidence involved it became very apparent to our investigation team that the result was slanted and Toyota was being used as a scapegoat in this case” states Fritzel.

Fritzel not only uncovered more stuck gas pedal cases in Toyota, but found numerous incidents for all car manufacturers which were never reported.

” The initial investigators had tunnel vision and kept looking at the accelerator as the problem”, Fritzel is quoted as saying.

‘The actual culprit was staring them straight in the face.

Fritzels’ team unveiled the fact that 100% of the time, the driver was wearing a pair of used Reebok Pump Series Sneakers.

Test after test proved that when the sneaker was at a 47.5 degree angle the Air Pump would automatically engage building enough pressure to lock the foot in that position and cut off enough circulation so the driver actually believed he was removing his foot from the gas pedal, when in fact he had no use of the leg whatsoever.

“There was a serious defect in the Sneaker Air Pump which would cause it to engage at the proper angle and with significant resistance from the gas pedal.” says Fritzel.

” In normal everyday use, the sneaker would perform according to manufacturer’s specifications.”

When contacted by The Daily Spoof , Reebok stated that they will launch there own official investigation as they believe the pump is being triggered by a a faulty sock.

The over sized puffy hats seen below are in sharp contrast to the hats worn by the military during Kim Jong il’s reign also seen below and were developed by Toys R Us to make Jung un’s pumpkin  look smaller than it actually is by shifting a persons focus from his extruding forehead to the over sized hats therefore making his neck appendage look smaller.

Our sources say this old Hollywood trick used extensively in the Sylvester Stallone Rocky movies where midgets and little people were hired to make Stallone look bigger was a plan hatched by Kim Jung il himself after becoming an expert in Hollywood movie special effects.

In an 8-1 decison, the court ruled that Bombs defense of  ” He was asking for it ” was a legitimate excuse to kick the crap out of Tucson and the Ohio State Judge erred in his address to the jurors by stating ” That was plain crazy!”

Bombs had claimed that Tucson would laugh hysterically when he beat him at Tiger Woods 2012 on his X-box and would even post the feat as a status update on Facebook and Twitter.

“He was asking for it!” stated a belligerent Bombs.

The 1300 page decision legitimizes the “He Was Asking For It” defense in cases of extreme violence if the defense can prove actions on the part of the dead person constitute use of the defense.

He was asking for it follows previous Supreme Court rulings such as:

• Temporary Insanity.
• I was drunk.
• He looked at me the wrong way.
• What was I thinking?

“The Montreal Canadians have always respected the views of all Fans, whether they are real Canadians or French separatists associated with the FLQ.”

” As an English speaking coach of one of the top franchises in professional hockey with one of the best fan bases in any sport, I will embrace the french culture and I will prove that I am more than qualified to be the head coach of this storied franchise.”

Cunneyworth goes on to say, ” As of this morning I have traded my Cadillac Escalade for a Fiat, I will start to wear a toque, and I will be eating poutine with every meal.”

When asked by Montreal Gazette reporter Ghislaine Pompandreau “if he would be wearing a scarf around his neck in summer even if it’s really hot?”

Cunneyworth responded with ” Non, s’il vous plait. Ou est la bibliotechque?

“I was Luckier Then F**k and People Kept Buying My Shit“

In this scintillating 13 page biography Buffett reveals how he amassed his fortune at the Roulette tables in Vegas and then built on that fortune by convincing people he had done it by investing.

“I’ve never invested a dime in my life, but I knew if I could convince people that I had and they could do it too, people would be buying shit off me for a long time.

“By coining phrases such as peaks, valleys, time to sell and stay in for the long haul I was able to convince the average guy that I had a F*#%ng clue.

After all, I’m a billionaire, right? How would those assholes know if I even have 2 cents to rub together.”

“Invest in the poor and desperate” says Buffett.

They’ll be more then happy to keep buying your shit.

I was Luckier Then F**k and People Kept Buying My Shit will be on the bookshelves in leading retailers across America and will be selling for $79.95.

Research in Motion (R.I.M) stock rallied as RIM realeased what Tech Gurus have dubbed the iPhone Killer.

The HaillieBerry 362436 was released today to thousands of hungry Blackberry app developers and the phone instantly was praised as the hottest phone ever.

The plain looking , pretty well non functioning phone has had prelaunch orders of 425 million phones as single and married men alike, plus a lot of lesbians are connecting to the new slogan.

Who wants to get their hands on  HallieBerry?

Long time tech guru Lester Tweets summed it up by saying ,” You’ll want to get a screen protector for this one. In fact you might want to wrap it in saran wrap.” ” You guys know what I’m talking about, dont ya!!”

Apple and Android are %&$#$$, says long time phone enthusiast Timmy Keystone.

RIM stock closed at $50.25 from a low of $14.89

” Listen, we all know that is not very hygienic to expose Vancouver’s prostitutes to the diseases that can be transferred from a dirty penis. We definitely do not want to run the risk of prostitutes injecting themselves with a penis that may have already been used by another prostitute earlier in the day without proper cleaning methods in place.”

” By having taxpayer funded penis cleaning stations we can insure before use that each penis is cleaned to high medical standards and  can be used for whatever purpose while keeping the prostitute safe from any disease.

” Our goal here is simple”

“Myself and all Vancouverites want Vancouver to be a place where you can commit crimes and felonies and not have to worry about getting sick doing it”